Fiona Apple: Hi! I'm just gonna get this over with right away because of the whole arresting thing. I just have a couple things to say about it. First thing is, the guy who runs the jail--if I may do a review--the guy he's a real decent guy. He's a good guy. I wanna apologize to him; I'm not going to say his name because I know that he's not interested in fame or anything like that. He doesn't want his---he takes pride in what he does. he's respected by his fellow workers. And I only met him yesterday morning and I am apologizing to him for being attitude-ey. In the saying that I didn't trust him because I didn't, but by the end of the day I did. Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are 4 of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did, I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn't hear or see you. I then...ripped the paper up but not before I encoded it and put the--I got two lock boxes. We'll call them holding cell 1 and holding cell 2.
In holding cell 1 is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know is inapproprite and probably illegal. In holding cell 2 is the decoder. I'm the only one that holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course! Unless of course the celebrity you had so much interest in, but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night. Unless you're interested in being a celebrity, I'll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I'll open those boxes.
Till then stay in your fucking holding cell.